~*potrish78's*~ Poems Collections [Archive]

potrish78

6th July 2006, 09:53

IRON MAN

The iron man found me in my most desperate situation
Not knowing that I was in great search for a solution
To a problem that strikes every bone and every flesh of me.
At the wrong time when nothing seems to be alone and free

The iron man is obnoxious, high-handed, erratic gadabout
Whom if you'll at, cares for nothing at all, in and out
He's the most despicable, boisterous, tumultuous lad I've ever known
In the history of mankind to which has ever shown

He's the man I have never dreamed of meeting
For I love kind, gentle, loving and understanding
But the man that I've been despising for the longest time
Turned out to be the man I'm dreaming of for quite some time

One time the GOD of love made me to do a silly thing
To the iron man a problem I ought to bring
One letter which caused his brain to tie a know inside his skull
A letter that made me realize he's not that dull

The incident calls for an apology
I said it true for I'm in agony
Didn't know that to him I was helplessly falling
The man that I hate most now gives my heart a ring

I've tried to conceal the love I have inside
Later it was revealed for I can no longer hide
Every moment with him is such a heavenly feeling
Just like I dreamed of a beautiful spring

I was thrilled the first we touched
My whole body trembled as he held my hand as such
I never realized that we were hand in hand
Until I remembered he's a monster and should be thrown in a quick sand

The crazy feeling hunts me every now and then
Seeing him always throws me in front of a paper and pen
Letters, letters, letters and more letters have I given him
Advices, advices, advices which brought me closer to him

We were so close when the news did get to me
He also has this feelings no doubt I should see
I was jumping around claiming I was loved
The man I hated before now become a dove

Now, the iron man stood in front of me
Asking me yes or no, faint, I can't see
The obnoxious, high-handed erratic human
Became my knight in shining armour, my iron man.

garnet4david2001

6th July 2006, 15:13

My Comment:

@IRON MAN
Ouuh so touch. You show clearly that the guys wo hate can become the guys you love most.
I like this part

"He's the man I have never dreamed of meeting
For I love kind, gentle, loving and understanding
But the man that I've been despising for the longest time
Turned out to be the man I'm dreaming of for quite some time"

I am also agree with you love is mysterious, when sometimes you unconsiously love someone you hate.

"I was thrilled the first we touched
My whole body trembled as he held my hand as such
I never realized that we were hand in hand
Until I remembered he's a monster and should be thrown in a quick sand"

This part somehow contrary with the stanza before or i think when the iron man become the king of your heart, you still value him from external beauty.

Overall this poetry is good, have a freash idea inside. But i think it has too many stanza, maybe all those stanza to make the story clear, but it will be good if you may reduce it. Also "The man that I hate most now gives my heart a ring" i think you should using who instead of that for human.

Thats only my oppinion, hope it wont harsh, all back to you, you know the best for your poem.

Keep it up, its a nice and great work

Takce Care n GBU
-garnet4david2001-

garnet4david2001

6th July 2006, 15:13

Fairy tale

I had been waiting for a long time
Waiting for a moment to see your smile
Waited until all shining stars dissapear
Until i forgot that i am waiting for your smile

I want to retreive your lost smile
The smile that has lightened up the world
The smile like in that fairy tale
I want to coat your bitter smile with this candy

Let me spread your hand
So i can put a pair of wing on your back
The wings like in that fairy tale
Flap your wings and fly the the moon
to retreive your lost smile

Lets hand and hand flying together
Let me help you shoot every stars on the sky
So all your wishes come true
Happy and smile until the end of time
Let me be a part of your life
and write our fairy tale together

My contribution for your thread, hope you enjoy it. Most of my poetry is love related hope you dont feel boring with that ^^. i Think i need also to merge my poetry like yours.

potrish78

6th July 2006, 16:19

My Comment:

@IRON MAN

"I was thrilled the first we touched
My whole body trembled as he held my hand as such
I never realized that we were hand in hand
Until I remembered he's a monster and should be thrown in a quick sand"

This part somehow contrary with the stanza before or i think when the iron man become the king of your heart, you still value him from external beauty.

in this part, the girl has already feelings for the guy and loving that feeling, but remembers also that he is not the guy she wants to be with... so, the girl tries to deny it to herself and to be able to convince herself, she conditioned her mind to the thought that the guy is someone she previously hated the most.

Overall this poetry is good, have a freash idea inside. But i think it has too many stanza, maybe all those stanza to make the story clear, but it will be good if you may reduce it. Also "The man that I hate most now gives my heart a ring" i think you should using who instead of that for human.

yeah you're right!!! I must admit that it's too long... it's hard for me to express myself better if i'm using that "rhyming thing" at the end of every line... Plus the fact that this actual story is a one year love story compressed into a 10 stanza poem. i'll take note of your criticisms... i like them though...it's like you're poem Connoisseur

Thats only my oppinion, hope it wont harsh, all back to you, you know the best for your poem.

Keep it up, its a nice and great work

Takce Care n GBU
-garnet4david2001-

potrish78

6th July 2006, 16:42

Baronic

7th July 2006, 06:26

My comment @ fairytale

Let me spread your hand
So i can put a pair of wing on your back
The wings like in that fairy tale
Flap your wings and fly the the moon
to retreive your lost smile

I love the part wherein you offered to give her wings... It is very romantic...Very appealing...your poems are so focused on pleasing the love of your life... it shows and i can sense it through your poems

Lets hand and hand flying together
Let me help you shoot every stars on the sky
So all your wishes come true
Happy and smile until the end of time
Let me be a part of your life
and write our fairy tale together

I easily understood what you wanted to imply with this poem of your's... if fairytales are true you would definitely not hesitate on giving the person all the the possible things that could make her happy or make her dreams come true...

though i have a comment on the first two stanzas... it kinda aches to see redundantly the word "smile"... if you could use another term besides the word smile, that would be better... or rephrase by using metaphors and the like....

i'll just quote. a few spelling and grammatical errors there. Dont say spread your hands. Its grammatically wrong, though i get what you're trying to say. Would it sound nicer if u said "allow me to be the wings on your back"....and dont say flap your wings. It sort of spoils the romanticism of the poetry. Say, "Spread your wings, and soar to the moon".

Dont hesitate to elaborate, and be long winded. Poetry following the romantic style sounds better if u elaborate.

The second verse i quoted had TWO togethers at the ending. Try try try not to use the same words more than twice, especially at the ending. WHen people read, they go, "eh, didnt i read together just now". Have more variety, dont overuse the words. However, there are times when u can PURPOSELY overuse words, if u want to stress or emphasize on something.

For example:

I want to kiss you deep and make you mine,
And run my fingers through your hair too,
I want to be your words and rhyme,
I want to simply love you.

It gives the impression that the author really "WANTS TO". It emphasizes on desire.

Dont be afraid to experiment. ;). If u wanna ask me anything feel free to message me

Baronic

7th July 2006, 06:31

A humorous poem has absolutely no rules to it. U can simply crap and crap and crap, and it'll still sound nice! u dont need fancy words, u dont need style. All u need to do, is make sure it has RHYTHM. Check the number of syllables per line, and try to make em almost uniform. Dont have something like "i want" for the first line, and "to kiss u and hug u and love u and care for u". Exageration of course, but u get my point. Rhythm is important, if u plan to make a humorous poem. Also, try to rhyme, the first line with the third, and second with the fourth. If u have problems try using a rhyming dictionary, just google it, its free.

THE FART

The lecturer droned on and on,

And on and on and on,

He went on and on and on and on,

And on and on and on.

Suddenly my stomach began to rumble,

I cringed in panic and fear,

My pen fell as I began to fumble,

“Oh no, not now, not here!”

I held it in I clenched my fist,

I willed it to go away,

I’ve got enough problems to make a list,

Don’t give me another today!

But the pressure continued to grow stronger,

And my eyes began to tear,

If I held this fart any longer,

It’ll blow a hole in my rear!

I ran out of class (and I ran real fast)

Looking for a place to blow,

While the time bomb within continued to tick,

And the numbers were getting real low!

The corridor was full of people,

So were the classes by appearance,

The canteen was full of girls,

The toilets down for maintenance!

Nothing to do, I sucked my thumb,

And tried to withhold the doom,

The school will get blown to kingdom come,

Oh my god!

I’m going to…..BOOM!

That was a story of an attack by gas,

And a boy who held fast,

And any boy and any girl who has,

This action was often their last.

© Copyright 2004 Leong Seng Chee (FictionPress ID:413336). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Leong Seng Chee.

potrish78

7th July 2006, 11:03

Baronic

7th July 2006, 11:47

DEAR LOVE

I know it's meant that I mend a broken heart
For I know soon I will have my sweetheart
A good man with compassion would come and rescue me
From the wilderness and usher me to fortress with thee
I would not be a judge to test your virility
For as long as you love me and you love me truthfully
I won't demand of your time
Not even the precious on earth
I won't vituperate your wrong deeds either
For with me, my love, you'll never get hurt
I do not wish you to tussle with all my foes
For i know with you I am safe
I would not be vindictive nor scandalous
When things get rough
I would but ask for the sweetest kisses
And warm embraces
Faithfulness and understanding
I would give my love, my life, everything
Without a doubt
To a man whether from north, east west or south
I'd love you dearly whoever you may be.

allow me to comment on this one first.

I didnt quite understand the first line. Are u saying that your broken heart will soon be mended, or u meant u are going to mend the guy's broken heart. CUz that line seems to mean "mend the guy's broken heart". MAybe a reconstruction of that line is needed, to be clarify.

Do not mix thee with normal poetry. If u're using thee just to make it rhyme, then use you instead, and to hell with the rhyme. Poetry doesnt always have to rhyme, so if u wanna use thee, u gotta go the entire distance. I'll post one of my thee thou poems soon. I suggest u stick with modern english and not shakespearan english first.

"i wont demand of your time" shud be i wont demand your time here.

and the second last line, east west and south, i believe, spoilt wat could have been a very strong ending. YOur entire poem, besides a few errors and corrections, was very well writen. But u need a stronger ending. Your last sentence was good, but perhaps, the second last shud compliment the last.

Make that line stronger, and more gut wrenching if u may. Maybe something like,

I'd love u be u wanderer or stray,
with no home and haven,
or be you settled man,
with house and orchard laden,
I'd love you dearly whoever you are.

How's that? north south east west is too vague, and too cliche

Baronic

7th July 2006, 12:06

reviewing your poem...

HARDENED

Shut my mind to understanding
Poisoned my eyes to see no more
Closed my heart to feel nothing
Let not my understanding fool me

understanding repeated here. ANd used wrongly the first line. Understanding isnt a noun, so its a bit weird to use it that way. Try something else. If this is a "love lost" poem, as i suspect it is, i would go

Shut my mind to rationalisation,...
Poisoned my eyes to see no more,
Upon deaf ears all your yelling,
Broken i am, to my core.

Or the last line Let not my heart fool me.

U see, u started by using all your senses in the first verse. Which is a good touch, but u let it stay at at mind, and eyes, leaving readers a bit lost, as if tripping over a step.

Something very contradictory there in the last verse.,
Silence prevails...(u can describe silence using intensity, but then u say...)
all his words deafen me. (meaning silent, yet he deafens u? maybe u need to tweak your verse a bit here)

if u wanna use intensity with silence, say the silence was intense. Intense meaning terrible. But using LOW and INTENSE together, like i said, very contradictory there.

garnet4david2001

8th July 2006, 08:36

potrish78

8th July 2006, 12:41

allow me to comment on this one first.

I didnt quite understand the first line. Are u saying that your broken heart will soon be mended, or u meant u are going to mend the guy's broken heart. CUz that line seems to mean "mend the guy's broken heart". MAybe a reconstruction of that line is needed, to be clarify.

"I know it's meant that I mend my broken heart" = should i use "my" instead of "a"?

and the second last line, east west and south, i believe, spoilt wat could have been a very strong ending. YOur entire poem, besides a few errors and corrections, was very well writen. But u need a stronger ending. Your last sentence was good, but perhaps, the second last shud compliment the last.

Thanks for this, I really am learning a lot from you....

Make that line stronger, and more gut wrenching if u may. Maybe something like,

I'd love u be u wanderer or stray,
with no home and haven,
or be you settled man,
with house and orchard laden,
I'd love you dearly whoever you are.

How's that? north south east west is too vague, and too cliche

I have a question though. it sounds nice but i feel that it is gramatically incorrect... "I'd love u be u wanderer or stray" which means i will love you whether you are a wanderer or stray, right? Is this acceptable??? "or be you settled man" and also this one... I'm a li'l confused. Can you expound on this two verses. You used the word "you" in a different style... I'm not sure of this.

potrish78

8th July 2006, 13:08

My Comment:
@DEAR LOVE
I like this part "I know it's meant that I mend a broken heart". You know mending a broken heart is like to catch a water with a bare hand. In this one you use a lot of beautiful vocabulary so that its make it more beautiful.
but i dont understand this part "I would but ask for the sweetest kisses
And warm embraces"
i think i would ask reather than i think i would but. If you want to use but there the previous line should have the same topic but contary. I mean for example
"I would not be vindictive nor scandalous, When things get rough
I would but ask for the sweetest kisses"
Since you seperate I would not be vindictive nor scandalous and When things get rough
. i think they have different topic.

Thats just my opinion, don't mind it and ignore it if my opinion is wrong
Keep it up m8 u r great

The previous lines before the line with the word "but" implies acceptance. accepting almost everything that the guy will not be able to do or merely accepting everything about the person... the word "but" is an exception. she will accept everything but give her true love... it is somewhat the "only thing" she would ask for in the relationship.
example of which:"I would not be a judge to test your virility" "I won't demand of your time" "I won't vituperate your wrong deeds either" "I do not wish you to tussle with all my foes" but "give her the sweetest kisses and warm embraces. be faithfull and blah blah...

Baronic

8th July 2006, 14:48

@potrish78

If u're talking about your own heart, saying u mend it yourself, doesnt really sound that nice. Maybe "i always knew my broken heart would heal"

as for your second question, yes, it is gramatically correct.

be you wanderer or stray, the "be" here is like "whether you are"

its not used often nowadays, but it IS gramatically correct. "be" can be used in that manner.

and the third question, i replaced "you" with "u", because i was in a hurry, and i use "u" instead of "you" when i chat online, so its a bad habit. haha. I meant "you" of course

garnet4david2001

9th July 2006, 11:07

My oppinion:
"I'd love u be u wanderer or stray" which means i will love you whether you are a wanderer or stray, right?
Hmm i think this one kinda confusing, when u write "I'd love u be u wanderer or stray" what come into my mind is '"I'd love u be ur wanderer or stray" i think it should be "I'd love u be a wanderer or stray"

"I know it's meant that I mend my broken heart" = should i use "my" instead of "a"?
"I know it's meant that I mend a broken heart" it can be accpeted if you have described whose heart you are mend right now?

But this is ony my oppinion.

Baronic

9th July 2006, 17:10

My oppinion:
"I'd love u be u wanderer or stray" which means i will love you whether you are a wanderer or stray, right?
Hmm i think this one kinda confusing, when u write "I'd love u be u wanderer or stray" what come into my mind is '"I'd love u be ur wanderer or stray" i think it should be "I'd love u be a wanderer or stray"

nope. your version is grammatically wrong. well not grammatically wrong, but its a different meaning. trust me. mine is correct. sorry for not being able to explain though. i'm not an english teacher haha. but i'm very sure i'm correct ^.^. Its like...a bit of olden english a bit.

potrish78

12th July 2006, 20:45

LOVE

Love in the air
School ground.
Teachers, students.
Chairs, tables.
Couple here
Couple there
Us one of them
Bringing love in the air.

potrish78

12th July 2006, 21:02

Patiently I wait
To uncover the mask
Of the complexity of the day
And the helplessness of the night

The world is in deep slumber
And I still awake
thingking and wondering
Of the fate i chose

Alone as I was
The night frightens me
Lonely as I am tonight
Darkness embraces me

I cried the days
I followed my heart
I blame the nights
I look sober and dry

Till the sadness faded
And a warm smile shone
A bright new colored day
A grin on my princess tone

garnet4david2001

13th July 2006, 15:11

Hihi nice to see u here again potrish78, btw i wonder where baronic is.
Ok at last we able to see your love poetry again (you heart is so tender potrish)

My Comment:
@LOVE
at first i am kinda confuse on this line" School ground. Teachers, students. Chairs, tables." because when i read the title it think it would have no relation with teacher (somehow maybe its a psychology since my teacher is killer ^^) but the line after (Couple here
Couple there Us one of them Bringing love in the air.) that explain that you are in school when you its full of romantic ai, where you are one of them. This is remind me of high school love. This one also simple and nice even you wont get the meaning if you don't read all the line ^^
Keep it up m8

garnet4david2001

13th July 2006, 15:21

Baronic

14th July 2006, 14:01

hey hey. Sorry, been busy. moderating, and working. uni is starting soon too.

OK, regarding your last poem

Verse 2, line 2, And I"M still awake.

Verse 2, line 3, thinking lol, as david said.

verse 2, line 4, yes, as david said again, u shud explain more on this fate that u have chosen. leaving a poetry hanging, takes away its meaning. A poetry should make a person's feelings aroused after reading, whether its anger, pain, love, happiness. Not confused. This applies to your poem "love" also. Sorry to say this, if i'm a bit harsh, but that poem was short, and certainly seemed to have been done in 5 minutes. Its like you're writing for the sake of writing one. I didnt feel a thing when i read that. Try taking your own sweet time next time u write poetry. If u cant think of words, take a break, and try later. Or 2 days later. Or start a different poetry first. When i write poetry, i take from 1 day to a week to write just one.

verse 3, line 4, Darkness embraces me is CORRECT. When u say darkness embraces me, its like you're telling me that darkness (a noun) has embraced you. If you say "Darkness embrace me", it means you're telling "darkness" to embrace you. For example, "potrish embrace me", means i'm asking u to hug me. "potrish embraces me" means i'm telling david that you embraced me.

verse 4, line 4 : something very very wrong here. The first 3 lines were fine, but then the fourth line spoilt it all. I said u were crying. It gave the impression u were upset, in despair. And all of sudden you say you look sober and dry. Its like saying, "i'm crying, i'm sobbing. but i'm not crying." :/

last verse, line 1: till the sadness FADES away(faded isnt good here)
last verse, line 2: and a warm smile ....(not sure if u mean YOU smile, or someone smiles at you. Should clarify)
line 3: "coloured" day? wats that mean?
and i dont understand the last line. lol.

sorry for delay. Moderating and doing work. And part time work too. Busy busy. PM me any updates if i miss em. >.<

potrish78

14th July 2006, 21:20

My comment:
@Patiently I wait (I think you forgot to give this one title)
thingking i think it will be thinking rite?
"Of the fate i chose" i wonder what kind of fate you had chosen, i think it will be great if you explain this one before. "Darkness embraces me", i think it should be "Darkness embrace me". "A grin on my princess tone" i wonder what is the meaning on that, that line is beautiful but after read several times i still cannot get the meaning how do a tone have a grin, maybe lips or mouth.
Its also strange coz you are a princess but you do have a princess ^^

Thats just my opinion, don't mind it and ignore it if my opinion is wrong
you know what the best for your poem. Keep it up
God Bless

First of, i did not forget to give it a title... I honestly don't know what title would best describe this poem; Second, I chose a miserable life loving an undeserving person and bear the pain for as long I could. I did not explain it further cuz if you try to unravel the first stanza, it tells you that there already is an existing complex dilemma ; Third, "darkness embrace me" means you're asking darkness to embrace you, what I wanted to relay is that darkness itself embraced me. Last, "a grin on my princess tone" even if you're not smiling you know that by the way somebody speaks you can immediately say that the person is happy.

I like being criticized... It is actually good for the betterment of my poems... And please don't stop...

God Bless You!!!:goodman:

potrish78

14th July 2006, 21:52

hey hey. Sorry, been busy. moderating, and working. uni is starting soon too.

OK, regarding your last poem

Verse 2, line 2, And I"M still awake.

hihihi :lol: typo error "I'm"

Verse 2, line 3, thinking lol, as david said.

hihihi :lol: typo error.. i meant thinking of course

verse 2, line 4, yes, as david said again, u shud explain more on this fate that u have chosen. leaving a poetry hanging, takes away its meaning. A poetry should make a person's feelings aroused after reading, whether its anger, pain, love, happiness. Not confused. This applies to your poem "love" also. Sorry to say this, if i'm a bit harsh, but that poem was short, and certainly seemed to have been done in 5 minutes. Its like you're writing for the sake of writing one. I didnt feel a thing when i read that. Try taking your own sweet time next time u write poetry. If u cant think of words, take a break, and try later. Or 2 days later. Or start a different poetry first. When i write poetry, i take from 1 day to a week to write just one.

Regarding the poem "LOVE", it is sort of a brain storming which I learned way back in college... I'll give you the text book... But that's just the way it is done... i kinda like its simplicity. Sorry if I had to disagree this time. Btw, all of these poems were written years ago...

I think I would have to review on poetry more...

And another thing. Isn't that poetry should be a reflection of the author's feelings and not just to please whoever will be reading it????... Cuz I remember way back when I was still studying, we used to extract what the author is feeling while writing the poem...and diffrent interpretations were made... And the only one who would know the exact meaning of the poem is the author himself....Anyway, I'll get back to you on that...

verse 3, line 4, Darkness embraces me is CORRECT. When u say darkness embraces me, its like you're telling me that darkness (a noun) has embraced you. If you say "Darkness embrace me", it means you're telling "darkness" to embrace you. For example, "potrish embrace me", means i'm asking u to hug me. "potrish embraces me" means i'm telling david that you embraced

verse 4, line 4 : something very very wrong here. The first 3 lines were fine, but then the fourth line spoilt it all. I said u were crying. It gave the impression u were upset, in despair. And all of sudden you say you look sober and dry. Its like saying, "i'm crying, i'm sobbing. but i'm not crying." :/

The fourth line means that i couldn't make myself cry anymore... I feel deep sadness but no tears are rolling down my cheeks... It's like being numb... The third verse says "I blame the nights" = because supposedly I was crying...

last verse, line 1: till the sadness FADES away(faded isnt good here)
last verse, line 2: and a warm smile ....(not sure if u mean YOU smile, or someone smiles at you. Should clarify)
line 3: "coloured" day? wats that mean?
and i dont understand the last line. lol.

"a grin on my princess tone" even if you're not smiling you know that by the way a person speaks you can immediately say that the person is happy.

sorry for delay. Moderating and doing work. And part time work too. Busy busy. PM me any updates if i miss em. >.<

okidoki...I will study poetry again and I will review my poems... thanks for the comment...