hmmm, david invited me in here, so i guess i'll share one or two of my favs. ;) I write poems as a hobby, and also for magazines, and newspapers sometimes. Any comments are deeply appreciated. Constructive criticism only mind u. Wrote this for my girl recently

THE PERFECT DREAM

Yester night I dreamt the perfect dream,

One that for many will remain just so,

I dreamt of a calm crystal clear stream,

Sheltered by a huge gigantic willow.

Underneath its great canopy,

Lay a woman who was bare,

Not a single thread of decency,

But she didn’t seem to care.

She was beautiful,

This angel manifest,

How enthralling she was I cannot say,

But radiant enough that I couldn’t look away.

She was familiar however,

As if I knew her somehow though I did not,

The way her eyes stared into mine,

And her smile twisted my confidence into a knot.

Oh what contrast this angel is,

So pale and enticing,

Against a blue green landscape,

A true feast for the senses.

She asked me “Would you care for me?”

I answered from the bottom of my heart,

I will shelter you from the rain and snow,

I shall shelter you from pain,

I will care for you more than god could show,

And my love will never wane.

I’d sell my soul,

Die a thousand deaths,

Than let you shed a tear,

I’d give you all till I’ve nothing left,

Of that you can have no fear.

I’d live a lie and that’s the truth,

I’d walk the wire for you.

All your pains I will soothe,

If I cant bear them for you.

She asked me then, “would you make love to me?”

“I will.”

Now I’m awake,

Gone is the willow, replaced by a roof,

Gone is the clear river water,

Gone is the leaves and the quiet groove,

Replaced by my bed that is here.

But one thing remains from my perfect dream,

The angel I’ll love forever,

She lays in my arms still deep in sleep,

It’s you, my happy ever after.


© Copyright 2006 Leong Seng Chee (FictionPress ID:413336). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Leong Seng Chee.

This one was a real hit with my lady friends. ;)

SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME


As the yellow lights grow dimmer,

And the floor appears to be free,

As the musicians play that slow moving tune,

Save the last dance for me.

By nature’s course or by god’s whim,

A pair in everything lies,

Like the two trials of flowers that bloom at your feet,

And the two bright stars in your eyes.

Your beauty is true and real and angelic,

And gifted with the swan’s own grace,

It is further magnified and made electric,

By the warm loving smile on your face.

And your lips have never failed to stop my heart,

As it promises a love supreme,

It draws me near and draws me in,

And gives sweet fantasies when I dream.

So hold on to me as I hold on to you,

Press yourself against me,

Let your eyes stare into mine,

Give yourself up to eternity.

Let your senses come alive,

With passion and lust and love,

Let the music lift your soul,

Up, beyond, above.

And as the sweet music plays,

My lips will brush against yours,

The tip of our nose shall touch each other,

And our fingers too of course.

Let me whisk you off your feet,

Let me merge with you,

Let me be the man you love,

And let our love be true.

So others have begged you for a dance,

And after your waltzing spree,

Don’t forget a little romance,

Save the last dance for me.


© Copyright 2005 Leong Seng Chee (FictionPress ID:413336). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Leong Seng Chee.

Baronic,

What can I say, your poems are astonishing!!! i couldn't say more... you're a pro...thanks for sharing your poems here...

God Bless you!!!
:goodman:

;) no problem potrish. U've all posted so many poems so i dunno which to comment on. How about this, u can private message me any poem that u wish me to review, and advice on, and then i'll post here or something. I've read a few so far, by both of u. I'll say u have the makings of a poet. U have the flair, but maybe u simply cant find the words, or maybe the choice of words are a bit wrong. anyhow, it IS good. U guys do have the making of a poet. I suggest reading more poetry however, to help develop your imagination. ;)

My Comments:
@THE PERFECT DREAM
Wow you have shown us what a prefect dream looks like ^^. Yeah i wonder if i will get that kind of dream too. Hmm i think the only problem is you didn't seperate it on several stanza, but i think this one is a modern poetry so dont need to follow that stanza. I think this one is great you also tell us that somehow dream is too beautiful to compare with reality
"Now I’m awake,

Gone is the willow, replaced by a roof,

Gone is the clear river water,

Gone is the leaves and the quiet groove,

Replaced by my bed that is here."

Thats just my oppinion, if its harsh you please dont mind that and just ignore my comment ^^ i like this one pleas epoet more Baronic keep it up m8

My Comment:
@SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME its really astonishing like as poetrish said, you know, you use a very good vocabulary there. I mean that vocabulary is matched each other so give us the feeling of beautiful (the words and meaning of your poem) also give us somehow a great image (you know the usage of rarely used vocab in poem givin us grat feeling) nice work m8 keep it up. Looking forward for others

actually david, i do have stanzas. Each fullstop is the end of a verse. Just that i'm lazy to separate. HAHA

The Golden Halls

Past the golden halls of light,
Through the Garden of Eden.
Ere the coming of winter night,
Hence the coming of freedom.

Await me there, o love of mine,
Nay I cannot stay.
Mine heart desires to be with thee,
But duty calls me away.

The drums! The Drums are rolling!
War cries above the plains.
Make haste! Hasten all ye faithful,
For never shall it be the same.

Freedom demands thee a sacrifice,
Ousting of them of errant,
Punishment to those who monopolize,
Swift death to the tyrant.

Prithee, lives be lost on this fateful day,
I cannot promise thee my return well,
But should fortune bestow me the honor,
And heaven oblige,
Then return I shall, return I shall.

Even if the Devil himself bar my way,
count the times the pendulum's flight.
Ere fell beasts I shall not sway,
From the promise I made,
To return to thee by winter's night.

Heaven and earth I shall move for thee,
Alas the rebellion calls me away,
My desire to hold thee,
As long as this breathes or sees,
Is not to be today.

Nay, my lady,
Cry not for my presence,
For return I shall to thee,
Past the golden halls of light,
Through the Garden of Eden.
Ere the coming of winter night,
Hence the coming of freedom.

© Copyright 2004 Leong Seng Chee (FictionPress ID:413336). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Leong Seng Chee.

My Comment:
@The Golden Halls. This one is a good works, but you need to polish some of it. "ye" i think its mean "You".
i like this part
"Nay, my lady,
Cry not for my presence,
For return I shall to thee,
Past the golden halls of light,
Through the Garden of Eden.
Ere the coming of winter night,
Hence the coming of freedom."

Thas mean much for me ^^

Btw overall its a great work, the only one thing is the vocab you use, i think that kind of words like ye should be changed.

This is my oppinion, you know what make your potry best, maybe you think that kind of vocab will make it better, so just ignore my oppinion, you know the best rite?

Btw keep it up m8 its great

The Golden Halls

Past the golden halls of light,
Through the Garden of Eden.
Ere the coming of winter night,
Hence the coming of freedom.

Await me there, o love of mine,
Nay I cannot stay.
Mine heart desires to be with thee,
But duty calls me away.

The drums! The Drums are rolling!
War cries above the plains.
Make haste! Hasten all ye faithful,
For never shall it be the same.

Freedom demands thee a sacrifice,
Ousting of them of errant,
Punishment to those who monopolize,
Swift death to the tyrant.

Prithee, lives be lost on this fateful day,
I cannot promise thee my return well,
But should fortune bestow me the honor,
And heaven oblige,
Then return I shall, return I shall.

Even if the Devil himself bar my way,
count the times the pendulum's flight.
Ere fell beasts I shall not sway,
From the promise I made,
To return to thee by winter's night.

Heaven and earth I shall move for thee,
Alas the rebellion calls me away,
My desire to hold thee,
As long as this breathes or sees,
Is not to be today.

Nay, my lady,
Cry not for my presence,
For return I shall to thee,
Past the golden halls of light,
Through the Garden of Eden.
Ere the coming of winter night,
Hence the coming of freedom.

© Copyright 2004 Leong Seng Chee (FictionPress ID:413336). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Leong Seng Chee.
:heart: What's Leong Seng Chee?, Good taste Baronic, Really your collections isn't like your apperiancewhile you are a kid Lol:lol: :heart:

leong seng chee's my real name. hahahah. i have a lot more poems, but i cant paste them all up here. if u want, go to my link, w*w.fictionpress.com/~leongsengchee

Baronic:shock:, I want to meet you155607, and I don't care about your childhood, It was past time...anyway155608! Lol



My Valentine

Take away the starry sky
Snuff out a bright spark or three
Leave behind the full grown moon
Yet still I would be happy
Put then a blanket over it
Rub off the pillars of moon beams
Leave the sky darker than the darkest pit
And then even darker than it seems
Take away this drink in my hands
Take away the bed I’m in
Take away this roof I’m under
You can’t wipe away my grin.
Grab me by the tuft of my hair
And place me on the mountain top
Desolate and devoid of life out there
Yet you'll never see a tear drop
That’s because I’ve all I need,
And all I ever want right here,
It’s in me not physically
But buried deep emotionally,
It’s my love for u my dear.
Leave me with just one more breath
And I will breathe your name
Give me just one last wish
I’ll wish to see you again
Give me just two strong hands,
To care for u and protect you,
Leave me with just one last sentence,
And I’ll proclaim my love is true.
Grant me a second of your love,
And I’ll give you all my time,
I’m on my knees I beg of you,
Be my Valentine155607

© Copyright 2006 Leong Seng Chee (FictionPress ID:413336). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Leong Seng Chee.

:heart: Beautifullllllllllllllllll:heart:

hahaha thanks camilla. and "Baronic, I want to meet youName: 53.gif Views: 1 Size: 263 Bytes, and I don't care about your childhood, It was past time...anywayName: 105.gif Views: 1 Size: 1.3 KB! Lol" omg, who were u quoting!! lol

:heart: :???: Woooooooooooooooow, Its isnt shown like in my screen???? Why???:???: ,
They should shown as a rose, and a smiley...Oh My God....Glekkhhhhhkk:rolleyes: ,
I am so Sorry:cry: :heart:

@Baronic hmm i guess its okay if you posted all yuo poetry here, and i will compile that into an ebook. Btw i also joined a poetry site, its eliteskills. Btw i am planning on poeting them all here, since its really nice to hear different comments from poetry lover, i mean at eliteskills, people commented on my poetry are western, and here people commented on my poetry are eastern, and i found there is a slight different of comments.

Btw here is my comment:
@My Valentine first, i think it would be better if you pust some "," or "." on the end of each line so we know whether its still the same sentence. About this one "And place me on the mountain top" i think it will be better if you use "And place me on the top of the mountain"tear drop" i think it should be one "teardrop". Overall this works have a deep meaning, need to read several times before got the meaning.

This is my oppinion, just ignore it if you think my oppinion is false, you know the best for your poetry. Btw if possible i hope you can post more of your poerty here so that everybody can enjoy it here and post comment without the need to re-register. [On eliteskills you need to register to post comment].

the thing is, my fictionpress is the place where i do my poetry and everything. all my friends visits there too. and no, u dun need to register to comment, dont worry.lol. ^.^

Unbelievable! these poems are great!
~scheming a plan to extract Baronic's genius out of his brain Har har har!~