Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show off his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.

"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart a$$. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike...

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and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

BALL SIZE AND CORPORATE POSITION

* The sport of choice for unskilled, minimum wage workers is basketball.
* The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
* The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.
* The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
* The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
* The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls are.

The daughter had not been to the house for
over 5 years.

Upon her return,her father cussed her out: "
Where have you been all this time, you
ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let
us know how you were doing?
Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mom
through??!!"
The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became
a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot,
sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't
ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish.
I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and
title to a mansion, a savings account
certificate of $5 million for my little brother,
and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the
spanking new BMW that's parked outside
and a lifetime membership to the Country
Club...
an invitation for you all to spend New Years'
Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and ..
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute
Dad!" ... Sniff, sniff .
"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I
thought you said "a Protestant". Come here
and give your old man a hug!"

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

Three women die together in an accident and go to
heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only
have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the
ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible
not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally
steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she
ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps
accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with
the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly
man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular,
and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a
word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I
stepped on a duck!"

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "you can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
And said: "This gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair".

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and methodically says, in a deep and powerful bass voice, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right testicle...Turner Brown."

The diminutive white man faints immediately and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you, man?"

In a weak, trembling voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me, sir?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Oh, Thank God! I thought you said
"Turn around!"

One day a man wakes up and finds himself in hell. The guy is scared. He comes across a demon. The demon says "whats wrong?" the man answers "im in hell!". so the demon says dont be scared hell isnt so bad, are you a smoker?" he answers "yes" the demon says "then your gonna love mondays, thats all we do is smoke cigars and cigarettes.if you get cancer, well your dead anyways! you like to drink?" the man says "are you kidding? i love to drink!" the demon says, "your gonna love tuesdays. you gamble?" the man says "yes!" the demon then says "thats all we do on wedsday. craps,slots,poker,blackjack. you like drugs?" yes i love drugs...wait you dont mean..." the demon says "yep thursday is drug day smoke some dope crack or smack, if you get sick well who cares? your dead!," the demon then asks "you ***?" the man says "HELL NO" the demon then says "OoOoOoH your gonna HATE fridays!"

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what. I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained. What would you do with out me?

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars."

"I'll give you five bucks."

The girl spits at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?"

My Funny Valentine

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shite again."

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbot (a typical call center scene). . . .

Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbot: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbot: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.
Abbot: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbot: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbot: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Abbot: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software.
Abbot: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
Abbot: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbot: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbot: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbot: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbot: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbot: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbot: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbot: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbot: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Abbot: Yes, you want Real One.
Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
Abbot: Real One.
Costello: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
Abbot: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbot: Real One.
Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbot: You click the blue "1".
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbot: The blue "1".
Costello: Is that different from the blue w?
Abbot: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbot: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Abbot: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbot: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
Costello: And that word is real one?
Abbot: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
Costello: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbot: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbot: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbot: It comes bundled with your computer
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbot: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbot: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbot: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbot: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbot: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later . .
Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbot: Click on "Start"..........

nice thx for sharing but this better off in off topics. moved from other stuff.br

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few thingamajingtails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and
she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"

LET'S PRETEND

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other
people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a



transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper
bunk and she in the lower.



At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."



"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married to each other."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

OOOOPPSSS!

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house,
and my word is law!"
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I
can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress
me and comb my hair?

His wife replied, "The f ** ing funeral director."

After being examined, the 90-year-old man said to his doctor,
"I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. What do you think about that?
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,
"I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One
day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up
his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a
beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,
'bang,
bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

GOOD MANNERS (Rated PG13)

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks
the students, "Billy, if you were on a date, having supper
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you
have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Bobby,
how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll
be right back."

"That's better," said the teacher, "but it's still not
very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you
Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for
once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment,
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom
I hope you'll meet after dinner."

Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?" "I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when
an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and
walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no
wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more
country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

Jesse and justin will be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary the next day
At midnight, jessie woke up to find justins side of the bed empty
Worried, jessie dressed quickly and went downstairs
She found Justin in the living room, clutching their wedding album , tears streaming down his face

Jessie kissed and embraced her husband and asked : Honey , whats the matter?

Justin: do you remember when we first met?

Jessie so in-luv said: Yes, I remember. It was at Tia maria near greenbelt

Justin: Remember when you got so drunk that night I had to take you home in my car?
Then your dad the Judge caught us in the backseat of the car outside your house that night?

Jessie smiled and said : Yes , I remember

Justin : Your dad pointed his pistol at me and said that if I didnt marry you, he will send me to jail for 20 years!

Jessie laughing : Yes, I remember, but why are you crying honey?

Justin : I am suppose to be a freeman by tomorrow. :D

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that, " asks his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not. It is 3 in the morning, and it is pouring outside."

"Well you have a short memory, "says his wife. "Can't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please." comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

THE FASTEST THING

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asks the second man.

"Hmm...let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the samequestion. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is [B}DIARRHEA.[/B]"

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a
stop sign.

"May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop,
look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within
twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a
complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license
and..."

"You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter,
all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license
and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down,
and coming to a complete stop."

"Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged
the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete
stop?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The same man and wife were in the car one day. they just had an argument and they refused to talk to each other. suddenly they passed by some farm animals and the man decides to be sacarstic and says, :"see those animals over there? aren't they your relatives?"

The wife responded, "ya i almost forgotten that they were my in-laws"

the man decides to get even more scarstic and says, "i read recently in an article that in any given day women speak twice as much as men"

the wife responded, "thats because we have to repeat every thing we say to you men tiwce."

the man replies, "huh?"