Hye and welcome to All...

i will add a joke every day
and a file(all that i have)

:rock:

LIST JOKE:-
1.Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass
2.Cartwheeling for Cash
3.New Priest In Town
4.Hired Help
5.Who's the Boss?
6.Fifty-Dollar Bet
7.Door Hinge
8.Keeping In Under The Kilt
9.The Model Lodger
10.Chalkboard Culprit
11.Radical Procedure
12.Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story
13.FILE->Funny Movie
14.Rubbing Her The Right Way
15.Yankee Doodle Handy
16.Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
17.The Proxy Father
18.Sexual Olympics
19.Movie Magic
20.Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN
21.What Do I Look Like?
22.Bishop And The Ass
23.Ha, The Joke's On You
24.Squeaky Clean
25.Tickle These, Elmo
26.Viagra Coffee
27.Bubble Blowing Duckies
28.The Devout Catholic Woman
29.This old couple is ready to go to sleep so ...
30.Give Him What He Wants
31.Birdy
32.Pre-Nuptial Agreements
33.Watch and Learn
34.Brother is
35.Young Couple
36.Bouncing Baby Boy Balls
37.FILE->Virus2
38.Scooby Doo
39.Sunday School
40.Annoying Boy on Bus
41.FILE->Bored Meeting
42.FILE->Boring In Office
43.Fascinating
44.Damned if I know
45.Slippery Doorknob
46.The Nuns and The Blind Man
47.The Lady and the Facelift
48.Perfect Penis
49.Redneck Honeymoon
50.Get On The Bus
51.From Cradle to Ladle
52.Golf On The Sly
53.Abstinence
54.On The Job Training
55.Drastic Diet
56.Guys and Dolls
57.Getting Old
58.Bathtub Anxieties
59.The Paperboy
60.The Horny Guy and the Whorehouse
61.Our Little Carrie Loves To Screw
62.I'll Give You...
63.Art Gallery Nudes
64.I'd Rather Have a Puppy
65.Sleep Now


:partyman:


That's all..
Enjoy your fun~~!!
:D :D :D

:ilove:

Hits THANKS if you like it

:iphonepost:

yeahhh..... u did made me laugh there mate............:roll: :roll:

Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

Cartwheeling for Cash

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

New Priest In Town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Hired Help

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

Ahhh good ones..

Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Fifty-Dollar Bet

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

Door Hinge

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''

Keeping In Under The Kilt :rolleyes:

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

The Model Lodger

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

Chalkboard Culprit

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

:rolleyes:

Radical Procedure

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

check this out~~~



you should try this...
after that,maybe you can send to your friend~~

:-D

if you have heart attack or other else,dont download this...

:rolleyes:

Rubbing Her The Right Way

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.

Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?"

The lady said, "It is a Damn ham."

Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to me, don't you know that I am the preachers wife!"

The lady said, "Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!"

Mrs. Johnson said, "ooh I see well thank you" and the lady left.

Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, "Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?"

Mrs. Johnson said," Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham"

The preacher was shocked and said, "Don't speak to me that way! Don't you know who I am?"

Mrs. Johnson said, "Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!"

The preacher said, "Oh! I see! Well it smells great!"

That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!

When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, "Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?"

The wife said "sure".

Then little Johnny said, "Alright dad! While you're at it can you pass me the ****ing mashed potatoes!"

@bhairav...thanks dude....nice work

Yankee Doodle Handy

Yankee Doodle went to town
A-riding on his mother

Every time he hit a bump

He had another brother!

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was ***!” and rode off as fast as he could.

i will not send a joke for 3day....coz i want to go for holidayz...
see you all at monday~~!!

ok....i'm back from holz now....i will send a joke back...

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

Movie Magic

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"

Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

What Do I Look Like?

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

what do you thing if im going to send file?
the joke file...

funny one.. is there others?

owh...ok,the file or story?

Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

Ha, The Joke's On You

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Squeaky Clean

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

Tickle These, Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.

The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

Bubble Blowing Duckies



Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

The Devout Catholic Woman

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so ...

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.

The old man asks, ''''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Give Him What He Wants

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

Birdy

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"

She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.

She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

Watch and Learn

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

I liked all the jokes man.Keep up the good work!

Good jokes - bad english [ my :( ]

Brother is

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is ***."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is *** too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

what do you thing if im going to send file?
the joke file...

a file is fine for me...
hmm... i think it's good to make a collection of these jokes and compile em to an ebook (for mobiles of course)...
so... we can ease our stress from daily routinities just by running our ebook reader on our phones, and read ur jokes collection...
oh.. it's fun to kill ur time too...

how about that?

br,
LiveDeviL

erm..
ok,i will send that file on saturday..i think so..
this saturday or sunday then..

cant wait until saturday.. or sunday of course...
thanks for making us laugh with ur jokes...

really appreciated...

br,
LiveDeviL

ok,the pronlem is the file in my sis's laptop dude...
she at her university and will be back this saturday
sorry...i upload here soon she back home

no problem at all my friend...
we can wait...
btw, when i got the file...
i'll convert it to an ebook an upload it here...
what do u think?

currently i use TequilaCat BookReader to read ebook in my phone (SE K750i)
this is a java app... and it's totally free...
supports many phones...
that's why i think it'll be a good idea to convert ur jokes collection and upload it here... so everyone can read those jokes anywhere with their phone...

br,
LiveDeviL

ok,its a nice idea..
i'm using SMT5600 n i dont have that software in my phone...where i can upload it?

Young Couple

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

this is the link to download TequilaCat BookReader
[Only registered and activated users can see links]

it's a windows application to convert various kind of file to jar file, and to be able to read it, u must install the bookreader first (included in the file u download there)
choose one compatible with ur phone... (there are some different bookreader for different phones in the package... but all versions can be used to open the same ebook)

br,
LiveDeviL

now,now...
my sis will be back home today..i will upload it tonite...
but maybe late night coz i had birthday party tonight...
anyway,thanks for that ereader

Bouncing Baby Boy Balls

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

this is the link to download TequilaCat BookReader
[Only registered and activated users can see links]

it's a windows application to convert various kind of file to jar file, and to be able to read it, u must install the bookreader first (included in the file u download there)
choose one compatible with ur phone... (there are some different bookreader for different phones in the package... but all versions can be used to open the same ebook)

br,
LiveDeviL

i had problem in download that application,its in russian language..

hasbull_88 my friend...
try this
h**p://babelfish.altavista.com/
then copy and paste the URL i gave u above there to Translate a Web page box...
and choose Russian to English from the combobox below it... and press Translate

voila...
everything's in english now..

br,
LiveDeviL

ok,you all should try this..
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Scooby Doo

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

BORED MEETING

:-D :-D :-D

what should you do when you feel bored in office...
try this..

Fascinating

A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row.

"I saw an airshow. And it was very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" She then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.

"I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the world 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" Billy's hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.

"Teacher, teacher! I got one!"

"Go ahead, Billy."

"My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

Damned if I know

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Slippery Doorknob

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''

The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''

''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

The Nuns and The Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

The Lady and the Facelift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?

The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''

The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''

The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''

After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''

So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''

The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''

The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

wahhaha... anymore of them?

yup,i will post it everyday...
enjoy mate
:-)

Perfect Penis

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.

''What's that?'' asked Jenny.

''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.'''

Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

I dont think I have laughed so much! I seriously havent seen or heard those before!

Get On The Bus

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet.
''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks.
''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies.
''That's a stupid thing to say!''
''That's a stupid thing to ask!''

From Cradle to Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

__________________________________________________ _______________



:) :) :)

hehe..
do you get it?
very good lesson from a mom...

Get On The Bus

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet.
''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks.
''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies.
''That's a stupid thing to say!''
''That's a stupid thing to ask!''

Thats too funny

hehe..good answer you know by the cousin...

Golf On The Sly

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

hey hessbull << gud shot bingo.. keep on postin such stuffz man>>

Thats too funny
::::::::::: HILERIOUS MAN :::::::::::::::

I think everyone should now buy a can of paint!!

haha
got it...
so who want to shop..."PAINT FOR SALE"
[Only registered and activated users can see links]
i will send it everyday...

On The Job Training

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Drastic Diet

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''

Guys and Dolls

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy said to the other, ''Let's go downtown and get a couple of girls!'' So they went downtown that night, but the girls they found thought they were sleazy and decided to play a trick on them by slipping out and sticking blow-up dolls in the beds.

The next morning one of the guys said, ''I think my girl was dead, because she didn't grunt or groan when we were having sex last night.'' The other guy said, ''I think my girl was a witch, because when I bit her on the tit she hissed and flew away....''

Getting Old

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

Bathtub Anxieties

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

There were two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a simple gesture, brings them both to life.

The angel tells them 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as giggling sounds come from the rustling bushes.

After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them 'You still have fifteen minutes left.'

The male statue asks the woman statue, 'Would you like to do it again?'

'Oh yes. Let's,' she replies. 'But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head!!'

The Paperboy

:snakeman:

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of one of his customers. A beautiful 20 year-old woman answers the door in nothing but a transparent nightie and asks him what she can do to help him. He tells her that she owes him for four weeks' bill and that he needs the money. She wanted to know how much she owes him and he figures that, at four dollars a week for four weeks, she owes him 16 dollars. She told him that she doesn't have the 16 bucks but she will take him to bed and promise to make his teeth sweat. The kid figures, ‘what the hell’ and follows her into the house.
They go into the bedroom where she gets naked and lies on the bed, touching herself provocatively. He drops his paperbag from his shoulder and pulls his pants down, revealing an 11-inch member! He reaches into the bag and pulls out styrofoam spacers and starts to slide them over his penis to make it shorter. The girl says to him “Oh, don't worry boy, I can take all of that!” He looks up at her out of one eye and says ''Not for 16 dollars!”

The Horny Guy and the Whorehouse

:snakeman:

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ''I'll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.''

He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ''Church of Latter-Day Saints Whorehouse -- 10 miles.'' He thinks to himself, ''I'll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.'' There is a sign for it every mile, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the whorehouse and a nun comes to the door. The man says, ''Where can I get a whore?''
The nun says, ''I'll need $500 first.'' The man says okay and pays, then asks about his whore again. The nun replies, ''We will need another $100.'' The man pays then asks for his whore again. The nun says ''Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you'll see a door.''

He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, ''Congrats. You have just been screwed by the Church of Latter-Day Saints.''

Our Little Carrie Loves To Screw

:finga:



Date

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''

hahahahah! OMG! thats just too funny! keep it up man

yup.. no update for a few days already......... where are you?!?!

hahaha, there are indeed some very good ones there :D

sorry coz not update it for a few week..
i'm busy for applying university for further study...
i will continue back this joke...but i'm still busy in this and next month...

I'll Give You...

:iphonepost:

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily married except for the fact that the husband never gave his wife any money.
One day, a friend of the husband's comes over while the wife was taking a shower. He rings the doorbell and the wife comes out, wrapped in a towel. He asks, "Is your husband home?"

She answers, "No, but he'll back in about 30 minutes. You can stay and wait for him if you want." The friend agrees and enters the house.

As the wife is about to enter the bedroom the friend says, "If you flash me I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The wife thinks about it, and decides that she does need some money of her own. So she agrees and flashes him. She was about to leave the room when he says, "If you model nude for me until your husband gets home, I'll give you two hundred dollars." She thinks about it and agrees. A couple of minutes later he says, "If you have sex with me, I'll give you three hundred dollars." She thinks about it and agrees.

After the sex, he leaves, saying he had other buisness to get to. She thinks happily about the six hundred dollars and what she would do with it. Her husband comes home and she says, "Honey, your friend came over today."

He replies, "Oh? Did he have the six hundred dollars he owed me?"

Art Gallery Nudes

:ilove:

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

hahaha. thats hilarious really. keep posting them hasbull.
best of luck to you in ur admission tests

[Only registered and activated users can see links]

i'll try posting it daily

I'd Rather Have a Puppy

:iphonepost:

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

Sleep Now


:ilove:

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''

Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''

''Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''

Hasbull, ‘mind if I join you? :)
The jokes are taken from Men Vs. Women Jokes apps for PPC.

Enjoy!


** SEVEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN DATING AND MARRIAGE **

When you are dating... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married... You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married... He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating… He holds your hand in public.
When you are married… He flicks you ear in public.

When you are dating… A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married… A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating… You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married… You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy???”

When you are dating… You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married… You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating… He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married… He grabs your boobs any chance he gets.

** ANOTHER SEVEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN DATING AND MARRIAGE **

When you are dating... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married... You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating... Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”.
When you are married... When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating… He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married… The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating… He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married… He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating… He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married… He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating… He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married… He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating… He calls you by name.
When you are married… He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

Mind if I join too guys....

EDUCATED

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

LABOR PAIN

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the **** to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent were probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. They were allowed to go home the same day.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their front porch.


WEIRD LAWS

If you thought only the US has some pretty weird laws, here are some other countries with strange and funny laws.

Canada

Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.

Wooden logs may not be painted.

You may never use dice to play craps.

If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.

When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.

It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time.

It's illegal to climb trees.

It is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday.

You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday.

It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday.

You may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.

Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street.

No one in Canada may watch or listen to an encrypted broadcast which is not licensed by the Canadian government.

It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.

It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.



Thailand

It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

You must wear a shirt while driving a car.

You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubble gum on the sidewalk.

No one may step of any of the nation's currency.

THREE WISHES

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

This one is good. :lol:

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

ha ha .this thread will go long way..will search myself now to add to it..

Free Sex Contestants


Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

LIVING WILL INFORMATION


While I was watching the NBA basketball playoff games last night, my wife
and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living
wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state , dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a
bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Man, sometimes it 's tough being married to a smartass.

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** NINE COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT PREGNANCY **

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: What’s the difference between a 9 month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him)

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

** ANOTHER NINE COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT PREGNANCY **

Q: When is the best time to get epidural?
A: Right after you find out you are pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

** THE ELEMENTS **

Element Name: WOMAN

Chemical Symbol: WO

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)

Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

TESTS:
i) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the natural state.
ii) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
iii) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by saturation in alcohol.

** THE ELEMENTS **

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: MN

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Become explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane gas. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

** THIRTEEN FUNNY DIFFERENCES **

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is called when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it called when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: Do you know the punishment of bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she’s 18.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q: What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

** ANOTHER THIRTEEN FUNNY DIFFERENCES **

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can’t stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends

Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sorted their laundry?
A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”

Q: Why were men given larger brain than dogs?
A: So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs on cocktail parties.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chases cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Bahhahahahahahahaha Ohhhhh Goddd Funnyy **** Bhahahahaha

Rabri Devi died and went to hell (as expected…) As she stood in front of yamraj (The Killing Machine), she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.She asked, “What are all those clocks?”

Yamraj answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said Rabri, “Who’s clock is that?”

Yamraj answered, “That’s Gautam Buddha’s. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie.”

“And whose clock is that?” “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entirelife.”

Rabri asked, “Where’s my Laloo’s clock?” “Laloo"s clock is in my office", replied yamraj, “I’m using it as ceiling fan".

Best of Humjayega

One day Hum Jayega went to the doctor with both of his ears burnt.

Doctor: So tell me how u burnt your both ears?'
Hum Jayega: I was ironing when the phone rang and I answered the iron by mistake"
Doctor: But how did you burn both of them?
Hum Jayega: Well, as soon as I put the iron down, the phone rang again.

.................................................. ..................................................

When Hum Jayega went to Greece looking for a job, he got one as a tourist guide. On his first assignment.

Tourist: This skull must be the Great Alexander's?

Hum Jayega: Yes madam, it is!

Tourist: What about this small one?

Hum Jayega: Oh! that was when he was only a kid.

.................................................. ........................................

Chicken and Egg:

Friend: I just wonder how a chick hatches out of an egg!

Hum Jayega: I too, but I am more surprised as to how the chick entered the egg in the first place!
.................................................. .............................................

Hum Jayega in Titanic

"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...."
Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God...
Just then a Italian asks the nearby Hum Jayega in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Hum Jayega : Two miles .
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise.
I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?
Hum Jayega : Downwards... !!

.................................................. ...............................
??Test??

Hum Jayega and a man were sitting outside a clinic. The man was crying like anything. So Hum Jayega asked, "Why are you crying?" The man replied, "I came here for blood test" Hum Jayega asked," So? Are you afraid?" The man replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this Hum Jayega started crying. The man was astonished and asked Hum Jayega, "Why are you crying?" Hum Jayega replied, "I have come for my urine test."
.................................................. ....................................

Hum Jayega and the annoying kid

One day while Hum Jayega was driving a bus, a small kid boarded his bus and sat beside him. The kid started talking with himself.

He said: If my dad was a elephant and my mom was a female elephant, I would have been a baby elephant.

Again he said: I f my dad was a horse and my mother a female horse, I would have been a baby horse.

The kid went on blurting when annoyed Hum Jayega asked:

What would you have been if your father was a drunkard and your mother a prostitute?

The kid replied: A bus driver!
.................................................. .................................................. ...
The speaking cat

One night a thief had broken into a house. Suddenly while he was stealing a dish fell down making a loud noise. The sound woke up the owners. The owner shouted from his bed, "Who's there?"

The thief made the sound of a cat," Mew".

The owner asked again," Who's there?".

Again the thief made the sound of a cat," Mew"," Mew".

The owner asked again," Who's there?".

Annoyed the thief screamed, "Don't you hear I am the cat?"

super funny! very nice!

hahahahaha,
funny :)

Hindu Muslim and Sardar
Once a Hindu, a Muslim and Santa Singh were standing together. An englishman came up and asked, hey guys, what is your favourte flowers?

The Hindu replied, 'Lotus'
'Ha, I clean my sh1t with that!' the Englishman jeered

The Hindu got angry.

The Muslim replied:'Chameli
'Ha I clean my sh1t with that!' The Englishman response

The Muslim also got angry.

The Englishman asked Santa Singh, 'Sardarji, and what is your favourite flower?'
Santa replied: 'Cactus! Ha ha Now Clean Your sh1t with that

[Only registered and activated users can see links]
:iphonepost:Oldies Sardar Collection

**********************
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.


**********************
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.


**********************
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.


**********************
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his
ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.


**********************
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.


**********************
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.


**********************
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.


**********************
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.


**********************
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.


**********************
What do you call a Sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).


**********************
What do you call a Sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh. ('T' silent!).


**********************
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.


**********************
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.


**********************
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.


**********************
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They cannot find the eleven on the phone.


**********************
How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.


**********************
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
*********************

What will a Sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of
paper?
(he already has one and he wants one more..)
He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!


*****************************************
What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ?
He will compare it with the original for spelling
mistakes !!


**********************
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

********************************************
# Got The Little Idea Bout Sardar #
# Let's Start A Joke #
********************************************


Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
**********************


Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to
Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.
**********************
[Only registered and activated users can see links]
:ilove:

Our Sardarji was filling up an application form for a job.
He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" :
He was not sure as to what to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote : Yes
**********************


Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair
of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles
and watch him killing a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily
exclaims:-
"Ah, 71st and again barefoot!"
**********************


A Sardar goes into a store and sees a shining object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The Sardar then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold
things cold."
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
**********************


A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home
somewhere in Punjab.
But two days later disconnected it because he was
getting complaints like ?..
"That Bastuurrrd pick the Phone and Said"
I'm not at home Please Leave the message
********************


Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They
were planning for free Punjab.
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh.. we'll get Punjab from India but
how would we develop it?"
That was a difficult question indeed.
Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it
would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll
automatically get developed."
All the surds became happy at this very simple
solution but one old surd did not utter a single word.
Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF
BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"


**********************
Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the
salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and
returned
to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. He went for a complete
disguise this
time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then
waited a
few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.


**********************
Why did 18 Sardarjis go to an adult movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.


**********************
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear



**********************
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.


**********************
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day
for 300 days,
he would loose 34 kilos.
At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he
had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 km from home."


**********************
Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.
Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.


**********************
A Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the
Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat
when his friend asks him
"What Happen Sardarji ? Why're u so afraid"
Sardarji replies "I'm a Human so I know this is cinema
but does that animals also know "

**********************
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he
gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when
the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 Rupees,
the Sardarji deserved more service.
So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off
his beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went
home.
Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when
he saw the mirror.
Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and
woken up someone else."


**********************
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his
knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and
asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The Sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I
wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been
missing too."


**********************
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth
certificate
"Mother: Sikh.
Father: Sikh.
Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Sikh?"
" Aah, I read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on
the Earth now is a Chinese."


**********************
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer
space.
The ground control issues commands
"Rubi!" "Woof!"
(it's the barking sound)
"Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!"
"Woof!" "Press the white button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji !" "Woof."
"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch
anything!"


**********************
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a
ClockTower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The man took the thousand and disappeared.
Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken
for a ride.
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same
street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This
time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."


**********************
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay.
They managed to get into a double-decker bus.
Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat,
But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see
friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats
in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Arre Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are
you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a ?*driver.*"


**********************
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and
he answered, " I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of
picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
" Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But ..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."


**********************
Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm.
He lands there on time.
He is immediately hauled inside in front of the
interviewing officer.
Officer looks at Santa Singh then goes through his certificates
and then starts asking him questions.
Following is the transcript :
O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications
& credentials I would like to ask you only some simple
questions. If you can answer those then you are
selected. First we will start with some opposites.
S : Yes Sir.
Officer started asking questions
O : Above
S : Below
O : Front
S : Back
O : Left
S : Right
O : Male
S : Female
O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)
S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y
O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)
S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L.....
Y......(Our Sardar also shouts)
Officer is now angry.
O : Get out
S : Come in.
O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.
O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected
................................. and This is how Santa Singh got
his job.


**********************************************
Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the
telephone.
"Is this one one one one one?", says the voice.
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night."
"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."


**********************
Once Santa Singh broke his leg when he threw
His cigarette butt down the manhole and tried to step on it.


**********************
Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first
match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light.
He tried another. It wouldn't light.
The third one finally lit.
He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in
his vest
pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?"
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."


************************************************** ************
A Sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway.
Asks a bystander as to why're the guys doing what they're doing.
The bystander: A Marathon race is going on
Sardar: What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!


************************************************** ************
Then there's the one about the Sardarji who brought
his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a DISTANT
relative of his...


**********************
One Sardar came to Madras and wanted to do shopping in
Burma bazaar. His Tamilian friend told the Sardar that the
prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price.
Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor
told Rs. 2000
Sardar asked for Rs.1000.
Vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which Sardar told no, no
only Rs.900.
Vendor told ok, I will give it for Rs. 1500 Rs. for which Sardar
bargained for Rs.750.
It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation
said he will give the Sardar the stereo free of cost.
"Our Sardar asked whether he will give two."


**********************
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket
number.
Our Sardar says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, Sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you
a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
years. "
Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and
I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day
and the rest during the next 19 years.
Sardar, furious with the man, screams out,
"Look, I want my money! if you're not going to give me my $20
million right now, then I want my 1 dollar back!"


**********************
Sardar Banta Singh went to the emergency room with the tip of his
index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your
finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I
thought my face would look horrible,
Then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to
get my teeth straightened.
So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is
going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.


**********************
After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his
son were returning to Punjab in Tamil Nadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle
berth and his son the top most berth in the train.
When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the
son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of ice-cream to which
Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian man
who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TTE and asked him to help.
TTE requested that he could not understand Hindi/ Punjabi so it
would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in
English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not
giving berth to my child."


**********************

Sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird
flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly
over him.
The Sardar says, "It is good that cows don't fly."


**********************
A Sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so
he picks it up and says:
" Hello, how did you know I was here?"


**********************
How many Sardars does it take to pull off a
kidnapping?
Six.
One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note.


**********************
Why are Sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been
assigned to.


**********************
Did you hear about the Sardar who signed all his
checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?


**********************
Did you hear about the Sardar who asked his friends to give him
all of their burnt out light bulbs?
He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.


**********************
Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day.
"Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two
jackets?".
"Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can says 'put
on two
coats'."


**********************
A Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the
middle of a highway.
On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles;
the following day less than a mile.
Then the foreman asked the Sardar why he kept painting
less each day,
He replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint can."


**********************
Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.


**********************
Why do Sardars have see-through lunch box lids?
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going
to work or coming home.


**********************
A Sardar, a Japanese, and a British were lost in the desert.
They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down,
because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of
the Jeep
as they continued their journey.
The Japanese took the radiator, the British took the
seat, and
the Sardar took the door.
After a while of walking the British asked the
Japanese "I'm confused, why did you bring the
radiator?"
The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the
fluid."
Next the Sardar asked the British "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the British said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the
sand. I can
sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the Japanese asked the Sardar why he had chosen the
door.
The Sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets
hot all I
have to do is roll down the window."


**********************
Why couldn't the Sardar write the number "eleven"?
He didn't know which "one" came first...


**********************
Did you hear about the Sardar skydiver?
He missed the Earth!


**********************
Santa and Banta r two friends and Santa Singh has very good job.
Banta singh
is jobless.
One day asks Santa for some good Job.
Santa Singh says, OK. Next time we will apply together and they
do.
On interview day,
Santa Singh says, first i will go inside and answer all questions
except
last one, and after coming out, I would give u the all answers
and
questions. So u go and then answer there. U will get the Job.
So, Santa goes in.
EMPLOYER : When we got independence?
SANTA : Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER : Good. Who is our PM?
SANTA : It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari
Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER : OK. What's India's population?
SANTA (He was not to reply last one so he says): Good Question,
Research is
going on, and when i know, i will tell u Sir.
Now he comes out and tell questions and answers to Banta Singh.
Banta singh was real SARDAR and he remembers all answers and
forgets all the questions.
He goes in Now.
EMPLOYER : When were u born?
BANTA : Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER : What???? Who is your father?
BANTA : It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari
Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER : Employer is upset now. Are u Mad Mr. Banta?
BANTA : Good Question, Research is going on, and when i know, i
will tell u
Sir.


**********************
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Sardar walk into a pub.
They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to
enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their
pints, and
were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking
it as if nothing had happened.
The Sardar too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer
and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
*******!!!"


**********************
The Sardarji Doctor to his patient:
"It's very important that you take this medicine
exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."


**********************
One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking.
One of the Sardarji was holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said
to his
friend:
"Why don't you just climb up this light-beam when I am holding
the
flashlight upwards like this?"
His friend looked at him and answered,
"No, I can't do that Because if I did, you would just turn off the
light,
and I would fall down."


**********************
The Sardarji doctor was so afraid of bacteria, that he cooked his
ice-cubes
before he put them in his drink.

A Sardarji was in a night-club in New York, dancing with a
beautiful woman.
He whispered into her ear, "I love you."
She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!"
There was a little pause. (The Sardarji was thinking!)
Then he whispered, "I love you three."


**********************
There were these two Sardarji twins who looked so incredibly
alike, that
sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other
really
knowing about it.


************************************************** **************************************
Surds again....!!!
How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways??
He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!

One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......
Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to
communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6
months.
************************************************** ****************
BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN AT M MACHINE.
Friend: What are you looking at?
Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Beppo Singh: four asterisks(*)!
************************************************** ****************
BEPPO SINGH'S MOTHER DIED.
Beppo Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Beppo Singh cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Beppo Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!
************************************************** ****************
BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.
Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
************************************************** ****************
Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all
over the living room.
She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying
...'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can he know what I am
watching?"
************************************************** ****************

Teacher : What is the chemical formula 4 water?
Sardar: HIJKLMNO.
Teacher: wht r u talking abt?
Sardar: Yesterday u said H to O.
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Santa singh: Can u spell a word tht has more than 1000 letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.
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Sardarni asks her lover,"Santa dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a
ring?"
"Sure" replies santa. "Whats ur phone no?"
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A sardar goes 2 a hotel & after eating he goes 2 wash his hands, but start
washing the basin
Manager : What r u doing?
Sardar: U have written here "WASH BASIN."
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