Gator's Guide to NC and Second Chances
Like the title says this is my guide to NC. I don’t preach to know everything but this is honestly the best setup you can have to either move on or get an ex back, and the beauty of it is you can do both simultaneously
The purpose of NC is first and foremost to move on. It gives you a way of getting yourself as far away from your ex as possible and at the same time it gives you an easy means to healing. It is by far the fastest way to heal and move on from your ex. Now for those of you who want your ex back, while this should never be the reason to go into NC it does cause them to realize what life is like without you. This also them to miss you and in some cases this causes them to come back to try again
How It Works
Okay the basic system of NC is simple, no contact, no matter what the reason. You don’t tell them you are doing this. You don’t respond back to them if they talk to you. No communication with your ex whatsoever. It will be hard, and it will get worse before it gets better but I promise it is the fastest way to healing. How do you stop yourself from contacting them?
>Go to the gym
>Hang out with friends
>Pick up a hobby
>Keep a journal any time you feel weak like you want to talk to them
Eventually get back out there and date.
>Just live life, realize it is not the end of the world, realize you can live without them.
At first it will hurt like nothing before, but I promise with a few weeks you will start to truly realize life can go on without them. You will get a new confidence about you and realize how much you have to offer to the world. You really are a special person, your relationship with them does not define you. NC allows you to really distance yourself from an ex, it prevents them from hurting you. And if your goal is to move on any contact is just going to put you back to day one of the breakup, so don’t. Move on, and maybe after you really have you and them can be “friends” like your ex probably so dearly wants.
For Those Who Want A Second Chance
Let me start by saying one thing first, NC is not a game. It is not manipulating them to get back together with you and shouldn’t be started for that goal. But heck if you do it’s okay, but you need to change it. Obsessing over getting them back will only delay your own personal healing and it will ruin the whole purpose of the system. It’s okay to want them back and have hope, but don’t cling to it. That being said...
Why it makes them miss you?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Ever heard it before? Chances are you have. And in most cases it is true but I have a better statement that is perhaps more accurate, “Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great.” If love was real your ex will be back, but if it wasn’t meant to be nothing will make them come back. The fact is right now you are emotional, you are a wreck. Every decision you make right now is guided by your emotions and the first thing they say is fight as hard as you can for the relationship. Well they couldn’t be more right. Fight, by going into NC
What’s the harm in staying in contact?
Where do I start? You are emotional right now, begging and pleading to your ex will only push them further and further away. Professing your undying love, unnecessary, your ex knows you love them you don’t need to tell them. Begging your ex pushes them away and cements their decision as the right one. You also lose your dignity and simultaneously their respect for you. NOTHING is worth your dignity. You cannot be in contact with your ex unless you are using only your head not your heart, any time emotions are involved a fight will ensue. Another fact to bring to mind, is how is an ex going to miss you if you are still there for them? The answer: they can’t
Staying Friends hoping they will change...
This is wrong in so many ways. At best in this situation you are setting yourself up to be backburnered, a safety net. At worst you will end up in the friend zone, and there is no getting out of it once you get there, at least not for quite a few years lol. Your ex will be free to date other people knowing you will always be there as a backup. Not only that but you will be prevented from healing while you in effect help them to heal. They cannot have their cake and eat it too, so you need to stop letting them
Why Go Into NC?
There are so many reasons from the perspective of a second chance.
>One, you need space from the breakup. Both of you need time apart for a few reasons. One, for some reason you failed who knows what it is at this point. You need a few weeks to months to figure out what those are and to really work on them. If you get back together within one week you will not work out, the same problems will come up again and you will break up, again. Nobody wants that. Taking a step back also lets you see the relationship for what it was, imperfect. Only then can you really make a decision, logically of whether a second chance is really even worth it. NC, allows both of you to really grow and really change because fact is a second chance NEEDS to be a new relationship, not back to what it was before. Time is the only way for this to really happen.
>Two, you need to maintain your dignity. Staying in NC only causes them to view you as a safety net. You don’t want to be second best, you want to be the one they choose to come back too. They also cannot miss you if you are still there. They don’t know what life is like without you unless you really give them that by becoming a ghost to them. Dissapearing is the best gift you can give them and it allows you to maintain your dignity.
>You also need to get rid of emotions which only serve to ruin any chances of you getting back together. You need to get to the position where you are finally thinking with your head.
What to do if they contact you?
Congratulations you have just received the power back in the relationship, you are effectively now the dumper and they the dumpee. But don’t let it go to your head. Ahhh the infamous breadcrumbs…Defintion: Breadcrumb – any form of communication designed to get a response from you; it is used to see if you are still waiting for them to come back. Some examples…
>Texts – “Hey”, “How are you”, “What’s up” “Why are you ignoring me”
>Emails – long emotional emails that say they miss you but not once mention you and them getting back together.
>Phone calls/Voicemails – All good signs, but no mention of getting back together
Here’s the deal, you don’t break NC on any of these. NO MATTER HOW MANY YOU GET. Your ex is trying to see if you will still bite if they throw you a line. This means nothing in getting them back, in fact it will only set you back. They will talk to you for a day or two and then poof they’re gone again. You not breaking contact with them lets them know that losing you as a partner means losing you forever. Let them realize this. In all honesty the only thing you should respond to is them asking to get back together with you. If they love you this will come, I promise, if it’s not meant to be then it wont. But the beauty of NC is, you’ll still be closer to moving on than if you tried “fighting for it”.If they should contact you, you need to wait two days before you respond, don’t let them see you jump on it instantly. Let them work for it a bit, they need to after throwing you away like trash.
A word about second chances. A main goal of NC is to fix the problems that caused the first breakup, with time you will be able to notice them even if you don’t think there are any right now. Trust me there were, otherwise you wouldn’t be single. Most second chances fail because the same problems come back up again. If they aren’t fixed this second chance will not work. It will take a lot of communication to work through your issues. Take it slow, enjoy it for a little while but then start working on it. Don’t let it be the same relationship as last time, it isn’t. Enjoy it, but don’t let it get to the breaking point again. And if they didn’t come back, well you’ll be healed, honestly a lot of you won’t even take them back. You laugh now but it is the truth lol.
Stay strong, follow Gator's guide, in the end everything will work out how it's meant too.